Is It That Tough To Say No???

Sometimes I think what is more difficult? Saying ‘No’ or taking a ‘No’? I think both are equally difficult. It may depend upon the situation. But most of the times both the things are difficult to do. Let me take some real life examples so that I can elaborate on this point.

Let’s say, you have to form a team of 5 for a particular project assigned by our faculty/boss. And you have more than 5 friends/ colleagues to choose from. Then how to say ‘No’ to others after choosing 5? Will they ever understand why did you say no? I think they will if they have faced similar situation before.

You are in an auto at a traffic signal waiting for it to turn green. A beggar approaches you and asks for some money. You don’t feel like giving him money. And you start thinking how to say no.

Weekday afternoon…door bell rings…you open the door. A girl standing in front of you tells you that she is a student and she needs to sell this product by direct marketing. You feel like buying that product but not ready to spare Rs.200-300…how to say no?

A friend of friend of friend of friend sends you a friends request on orkut. You don’t know this person and you want to say no. But confused…whether to say or not to say no?

You go for shopping. You select few outfits. Shopkeeper shows you few more outfits. And insists that you should buy them. It would be a gr8 deal. It’s hard to say no.

Your friends have a superb plan for weekend. You want to join them. But you can’t, due to some reasons. They want you to come. And its damn difficult to say no.

These were some of the examples of external emotional dissonance. As far as internal emotional dissonance is concerned consider situations like saying no to a yummy chocolate cake remembering your weighing machine showing unpleasant numbers or refraining yourself from seeing a India Vs Pakistan cricket match/ Man U Vs Arsenal / Wimbledon Final because you have to get up early next day. I remember having read somewhere…saying no is key to success. Because by saying no, we gain control over our mind. And mind control is the best tool for excellent decision making.

Now consider situations where you have to take a ‘No’…

A day to day life situation…You ask auto driver, “ Station chaloge?” and you get a obvious answer …NO. How do you feel after listening that No? Miffed? Kind of…
You ask a bus conductor…”ye bus powai jayega?” He says No even though that bus goes via powai. You feel .

You go to your boss and ask him if you can leave early that day. And he says No. again difficult to digest.

You like someone. You gather all your courage and ask that ‘someone’ if you two have a future together. That ‘someone’ says No. You feel devastated.

Getting answer as No is painful because one never expects any negative thing to happen. Taking a No is as good as defeat for those who have high self esteem. Sometimes this resistance to No can be so strong that it may result in any adverse reaction as in case of one sided affairs.

Looking at all these aspects I feel, in order to live a peaceful life one should learn to say and accept a No. For me saying no has now become easier. I hope with time taking no will also become easier.

So what is more painful for you? To say ‘No’ or to take ‘No’?

Its over…

Its over…and I can do nothing. I don’t want it to end. Not like this. It started just few days back and now its over. This has never happened before. And I am clueless, puzzled, not ready to do anything new and God knows what… The only question in my mind…WHY?

Last few days were indeed some of the best days of my life. I didn’t expect them to be like that. (And whatever u get without expecting, gives u immense amount of joy. The same happened with me.) I remember the days just before it started. I had no time to think. The momentum was only increasing. All analytical engines of brains were working day and night. So much so that I forgot there is some emotional side of me also. Everything around me was logical. And then the momentum went off. I started enjoying the illogical things. My analytical engines were still working but in their own style (In no hurry). I was actually being pampered. Now that I’m looking back at those 7 days, I remember each and every moment. Moments which I would want to last for a long time…those musical notes…those cool breezes and hot sips of coffee…those nights full of dreams…those days when I was treated with my favorite food, books…those moments when my heart was overriding my brains…

And now that it has ended like this, all I can see is a fresh start. I have to move on. So what if I won’t be able to sleep peacefully anymore? So what if I won’t feel like eating on time? So what if my brains will overshadow my heart? I have to keep these emotions aside and start working…with a whole new perspective. What I am going to do, I still don’t know. But I’ll find it out very soon.

Yes…Its over… My 7 days long vacation is over. And I'm going back to my college :-)

Arranged Marriage- I

Arranged Marriage…One thing which I haven’t understood till date. I mean it’s not that difficult. Many people go for arranged marriage. But I find it bit difficult to understand. Now I know, even Love Marriages are not easy. And with that, I start my analysis of arranged marriages.

One common thing between LM and AM is you have choice. In most of the cases you have the freedom of accepting or rejecting the other person. We must have heard a guy saying I have met 20 other girls before getting married to XYZ. So you have ample of choice. Even in LM, we marry a person of our choice. But there is a difference between two choices. In LM, our would-be life partner is someone whom we know. Someone, whom we have already understood as a person… someone, who knows you inside out and has accepted you for what you are and at the same time not compromising on anything.

In AM, things are different. (I am considering a bit modern scenario…n not a typical one) A boy and a girl… Their parents start searching for a suitable Bride/Groom for them. A common family friend or a relative or sometimes a matrimony agency suggests a suitable boy/girl. Photos are exchanged. Sometimes their kundalis are matched. Or sometimes their blood groups are compared. (One wise thing…)Then they meet each other with the consent of their parents. A meeting for say half an hour or one hour. (Now I am tempted to write the whole scene with dialogues.) What happens in this one hour? They greet each other. Though already known, they ask each other about qualification, job etc. They discuss their hobbies, their career goals, sometimes their views about some social issue. They talk about their families to make each other comfortable. Point here is how much do they understand each other as a person? Certainly one hour is not enough to know a person. Especially when you are planning to spend your whole life with him/her. Then how do they decide? If they decide to meet each other for couple of more times, then is that much time sufficient? One factor which is involved in this decision making is FAMILY. Family values, social tie-ups play an important role. Our society hasn’t yet started believing in courtships in case of AM. Nowadays people do take time of 3-4 months before getting married to the selected person. This is the time when they are supposed to know each other. But again, does the boy/girl get the right of refusal? No is the answer. This is the time when people prepare themselves for compromises and adjustments. After having said ‘yes’ there is no looking back. Whereas in LM, people do get a chance of stepping back.

I may sound bit technical, but if we can draw a flow diagram then
For LM it is: Know --> Like --> Love --> Understand --> Marry.
For AM it is: Like --> Marry --> Know --> Understand --> Love

While writing this blog, I received a mail which gave an entirely new perspective about this whole marriage thing. So I need to rethink about my views. Thats why ending this entry here. Some questions are still unanswered. But I’ll write them down some other time. Till then…

Dips & Me...

Its 8.15 am already. I’m waiting for a friend of mine at thane station. We were supposed to catch 8.10 am train to attend a lecture at 9.00 am in our college. I’m calling her up. “Pick up the phone yaar… (She picks up the phone)(In my cold voice)Hello...Kuthe aahes?”(My anger is pretty visible or audible in my voice) “Shubbu…mi pohchtey...2 minutes” I hang up the call and start looking in my watch. After 5-7 minutes, when I’m about to give up n going to catch a train, there she comes. With 10cm wide smile. I’m not returning a smile. I have been waiting for last 15 minutes. So I’m not supposed to return a smile. She keeps quite. “Sorry”, she whispers. No response from me. We board a train. In 25 mins journey she keeps mum. 1-2 failed attempts from her side for striking a conversation. When we get off the train, I ask her whether she has completed the assignment. And she grabs this opportunity by both the hands & starts talking. On our way to college, I say,”you were 15 mins late” And she says “dear it’s just 15 minutes.”

That’s Dipti. A friend of mine. In above paragraph, I’m not highlighting her time management skills (?) but the way she faces my wrath. I have never come across any other person in my life, who is so different from me. We never think on same line. A thing which looks right to her always looks wrong to me. We always start pursuing a problem from opposite ends. And the result is pretty much expected. BANG. We collide. We differ. We fight. And we make up. She is a friend with whom I have fought most of the times. But still, we are friends. Because we have accepted each other for what we are in real. We are exactly opposite personalities. I keep on complaining when I don’t agree with her. But none of us leave our own stands. Still we end up finding solution some way or other.

She truly represents the enthusiasm. You ask all my friends to describe her in one word. Most of them will say: “Bubbly”. It’s not her pet name. But still it captures her enthusiasm about everything perfectly. May it be dancing, May it be laughing out loudly in public she never cares about people around. She has this small world around her, made up of her family, her relatives and her friends. And she keeps enjoying herself in this small world.

Remembering the moments I have spent with her…our 1st meeting, our train rides, dips eating dabba with reku in the middle of the lecture, dips calling someone’s name loudly & me, searching for a place to hide my face from people looking back, our all night long study in PL with me waking her up after every 20-25 minutes, dips applying face powder to already ‘white’ face, me scolding her while crossing road for not paying attention to car coming towards her, dips crying out her heart in front of me on her real bad day, dips avoiding my glare in the middle of the lecture for not stopping giggling, me telling her, “Grow up dips.” & she continuing to act childlike. …there are many more moments…but it’s difficult to put them in words.

Sometimes I feel she has changed. Or I can say circumstances around her have changed. I get to hear less laughter from her these days. I don’t have to scold her anymore to tell her to keep quite. Life has its own games. She is currently busy in playing those games with life. She has to play with patience & maturity. Previously maturity n dips never used to go hand in hand. We all friends used to be there with her to tell her what’s good n what’s bad. But now things are different. We are not around her all the time. So she is acting like a grown up these days. Somehow it’s good for her. But I don’t want to lose the old Dipti. Our relation is more or less similar to mother-daughter relationship. I keep on complaining that she is making mistakes. But next moment I find myself worrying about her. I want her to grow up to achieve great heights of success in life. But she’ll remain a baby girl for me forever. So on her birthday, I wish her a lifetime of happiness. May she retain her charm, her innocence and her 10 cm wide smile for years to come.

Happy Birthday Dips!!!

Gifts

Its my childhood friend’s birthday. We know each other for past 13 years. We have met each other almost on every birthday. But still when it comes to birthday gift, I am always confused. I take a long time to decide what to gift. Not only in her case but in everybody’s case. Should I buy this one or that one? What did I gift last time? Is this useful? I can’t find a thing which is useful in day-to-day life. Should I go for a show-piece? Or should I buy a cake? Phew… the list of questions in my mind is endless.

Gift is not just a thing. And gifting is not just a formality or ritual. A lot of emotions are linked with it. Only thing which you expect after handing over the gift to your dear one is smile. So when you wrap a gift, you actually wrap your love, care, affection, blessings, and regards with it. That’s why gift has to be well-chosen. It can be as expensive as diamond ring or it can be simple lines straight from your heart. Gifts never have any price tag. They are priceless. In fact emotions attached with them are priceless.

While writing all this, I’m recollecting gifts which I got on my birthdays, special occasions…gifts I gave to my near & dear ones…gifts which other people gave to each other. A swinger, my mom gifted to me on passing 1st std exam with highest marks in school, a hundred rupee note which my grandpa gave me on passing SSC exam, a handmade book-greeting with cartoons of my friends in it, a Marathi card by my non-Marathi friend, a pen by a friend to give grades not less than A- to my students, a ganapati idol by my senior colleague when she got transferred to other team…

These all were simple things. But these things have a lot of value. Sometimes only the expressions n emotions of my family n friends served as a gift for me. The overwhelming joy on my parent’s faces when they came to know about my admission to MBA, presence of my friends on my birthday just to make me feel that I’m not alone, faith they have shown in me in my tough time, blessings of my teachers, good wishes of my colleagues, smile on my bro’s face on liking a shirt gifted by me to him, tears in my best friend’s eyes on reading my letter to her on her birthday … all these things can not be quantified.

All I can say is that, gifts or these expressions are just the ways to assure your dear ones that you are there for them. Gifts form memories. Sweet memories…which can be cherished for life time.

We often say we are gifted with wonderful people in our lives. I wonder how difficult it must have been for god to choose these gifts for us.

To The Most Wonderful Girls…

Second year of engineering…1st day of college… a class of 60 sincere students (10-15 sincere, remaining: students) 10 girls from different divisions in FE came and introduced themselves to each other. Some of them knew each other since Jr. college days. Days passed. All of them started gelling together well. Ten girls with ten different attitudes. But one common thing, their idea of life. More or less different dreams, ambitions but same level of determination to achieve them. One thing, which kept them together, was their values. For a particular issue, they would react in exactly opposite ways. But would work together to find solution to each other’s problem. One fine day in third year, one of them declared that she will be moving out of India as her family will be settling down abroad. That was a moment when all the girls realized their friendship. Till then they used to have fun, but with limited emotional attachment. The idea of one of them leaving the college had its effect. Does it always happen with the girls’ gang? Can’t we stay together forever? These & many more thoughts…Thought of parting ways after some years brought out the real essence of friendship. In next one and a half year they lived their friendship like never before. The friend of them who settled abroad named the group of nine as ‘Navaratnas’: Nine gems with different colors, different characteristics. And in that respect the friend who named it became the ‘Johari’, the one who made other nine to come closer to each other.

Everybody promised to be in touch with each other on the last day of college. They managed to do so in spite of their busy schedules at work. But with time, the call frequency reduced. Priorities changed. They could meet each other twice or thrice, in next one and a half year. Meanwhile, the ‘johri’ friend came to India to visit them. They got a chance to recollect all the fun filled moments of college days. Again on another fine day another friend announced that she will be moving to Delhi with her family. It was time to meet each other. They planned a night stay at a friend’s house. Each one of them knew this is the beginning. Very soon, every one of them will be leaving like this. They will be getting married. And settling down in some other cities. If not in other cities then they’ll be getting busy with the responsibilities of their families and careers. That night, everybody had something to share. Their journey in last one and a half year, their plans about future…They had so much to talk and all they had in hand was single night. That night they realized that nothing has changed much. Time & distance hardly had any effect on their friendship. Each one them grew closer to each other. Who says when girls come together they only do gossip? There is lot more to discuss than just to gossip.

Next day, they went back to their day-to-day life. They must be working in their offices or attending lectures in their colleges now. Somewhere at the back of their mind, they must be thinking about the things they told each other that night. Like I’m doing right now. Hopefully we will keep on meeting & none of us will be leaving that time. This entry is especially for the most amazing girls who are the most wonderful part of my world.

Yeh jo mohabbat hai…(part-2)

Sunday evening. And I’m here in front of my pc. Many subjects popping up in my mind. And I’m confused, which one I should pick? Took a nap in the afternoon (Sunday afternoon has to be like that…heavy n full of calories ). And woke up with this confusion. I think I’ll start writing & will write as much as I can. Still have 2-3 hrs in my hand before my brother takes control of my pc…

My last blog was regarding ‘love’. Had an interesting reply session with a friend. Said interesting because I came to know some different perspectives on one sided love, commitment etc. I would like to comment on later one.

The question my friend asked was something like: If you love XYZ & you feel XYZ is the most suitable person for you to spend your entire life with. But this is in your circle of influence. In walk of life if you come across ABC & ABC is more suitable for you than XYZ then what to do? Should you stick to your earlier decision and continue your relationship with XYZ, no matter how better ABC is for you? Or you should simply move ahead with ABC? Confused??? Same here.

My take on it: I assume people give enough time to each other before saying they are in love with each other. & whatever I am about to say is based on this assumption. In this ‘enough time’ both of them have to think independently on different issues related to their future relationship. Issues like compatibility, comfort level, maturity, responsibility of their own decisions, things which are common between them, things which are different between them, their ability to face problems etc. I am not saying that one has to prepare an excel sheet and do a gap analysis. But assuming that two people in love want to spend their entire life with each other, this much amount of thinking is required, I guess. Our culture and upbringing play vital roles in this decision making. Look at the western countries. Their family bonding, emotional securities are way different as compared to ours. Divorce rate of USA is almost 50 % as compared to 1.1 % in India. I’m not saying that people in America are wrong because they part their ways very often. Their individuality amongst the society allows them to do so. In India, scene is quite different. We are very much answerable to our family, our relatives, and friends. That puts an additional pressure. Very few people try to think differently in spite of these pressures. I think, taking a decision of committing to a person and then sticking to it throughout your life , is mostly associated with these cultural values and social tie-ups.

(Assuming that love results in marriage) Look at the successful love marriages around us. The question mentioned above might have come to their minds also. Many of them might have come across ABC. But still most of them are continuing with their respective XYZ s. Why? May be, with their decision of spending life with each other, their search for better would have stopped. A person searches for better options if he is not happy & satisfied with his available options. I don’t want to call love as option. But the same applies to love. If you love XYZ and you have made your decision of spending your life with him/her that means your search has come to an end. You have got whatever you were expecting from your love. Now if you come across ABC and you think he/she is more suitable to you then that simply means you are not satisfied with your present relationship. And if there is a scope for the search of better then you should have identified it in that ‘enough time’ and shouldn’t have committed to XYZ. Again there are exceptions. If things are going wrong then one should rethink about the relation. But everything is fine and still you are looking for better option then boss you are not taking responsibility of your decisions. Wake up!

I think I have got the answer of the above mentioned question. But not sure if I presented it in right manner or not. Again it’s easy to think than to implement.