Does it actually matter what people think of you?

Does it actually matter what people think of you? If yes then to whom does it matter and to whom it does not? How does it affect your life? Reading ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey. And it gave rise to the above mentioned questions.

Human mind has this ability to make a convenient choice from the available options. That’s why multiple choice questions seem easier to solve. The point here is that we have this tendency to perceive the behavior of a person in every possible manner. These perceptions become options. And then we conveniently chose one of those options as the behavior of the other person. We label the person as smart, intelligent, sincere, mature, preacher, sentimental, bold, shy, introvert, outgoing etc. The list is non-exhaustive. But are we supposed to do so? You would say what’s the harm in perceiving or interpreting the behavior of a person? No harm. But then keep some space to accommodate the unknown side too. As I mentioned in my blog ‘Faces’ there is always an unknown side of the person. May be good may be bad. But it surely completes the picture of a person in our mind. And that forms the whole perception. Whatever we perceive of a person doesn’t form the true picture always. But we seldom keep that in mind. We trust our judgments and feel that our reasoning skills are strong enough to read the most complex creation of the God. We impose that judgment on our relations and the result is as expected: a strained relationship. Remedy on the problem: Don’t be judgmental especially when you don’t like others to be judgmental about you.

Now the question is ‘does it actually matter what judgments people draw about you?’ It depends upon person and to what stage he belongs. Our journey of life goes through three phases i.e. dependence, independence and interdependence*.Those who are emotionally dependent get affected by what people think about them. They see themselves from other’s point of view. So if the other person thinks they are immature they feel they are immature. They seldom fight with the opinion formed about them by others. On the other hand emotionally independent people don’t get affected by what others think of them. These are the people who know themselves well and don’t require others to certify their behavior. In interdependence stage, independent people accomodate the opinions of others to go ahead with ‘we’ attitude.

So, the moral of the story is if you are dependent then start your journey towards becoming independent and eventually becoming interdependent. People come in our lives and part their ways after some time. The one who is there with you from start to end is ‘you’. Only you can form judgments about you and nobody else. So think twice before forming judgments about others. Or else you may simply lose the opportunity to see the real person.

*-The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen

Arranged Marriage-II

When I wrote a blog entry on arranged marriage few months back, I was sure that there will be a sequel to it. That’s why I named it as ‘Arranged Marriage-I’. So on the lines of hindi films, I can say I did a lot of research before writing its sequel and blah blah blah... Jokes apart…In past few months I have seen my friends getting associated with this process called arranged marriage (AM). We had some interesting conversations, brainstorming sessions which has made me to gather those thoughts and write them down in this blog.

Over the period of time, the role of a girl in this AM process has evolved from shy, non-demanding, compromising to the one we call as independent, bold, smart, choosy girl of today. It doesn’t mean that girls weren’t smart previously. But they surely had less choice then. Today Indian girl understands the importance of being financially independent. She is often termed as careerist woman. Kind of life style we are adopting demands double earning. She knows this very well and that’s why she is securing her future first and thinking twice before choosing her life partner. I know the story is not same in all the strata of Indian society. But I am looking at those girls who have opted for professional studies and are perusing challenging careers. In short the change has begun.

I remember one of my blog-buddy wrote in his comments on AM-I blog that AM is as good as job search, because we tend to carry a requirement list to which we keep on referring when it comes to final decision. And there is nothing wrong in it. When you are going to spend life with a person to whom you have not known before, you have to carry a list of criteria on the basis of which you will form your opinion. This list of criteria is different for different people. Having looked at the lists of different people, we can say, it consists of parameters like good looks, nice pay package, stable job. Then guys looks for girls who are homely, who can adjust with their families, n with qualification less than or equal to theirs. Girls look for guys with self owned house, understanding, qualification greater or equal to theirs. Though we say we are advancing in this AM process, some things never change. For example, height, salary and if possible qualification has to be greater/higher for boys as compared to girls. And I don’t see it changing in future too. But there are things beyond these material things. Boys as well as girls should look for 4 C’s: Click, Common, Comfort and Connect.

Two people who want to spend life together, given the fact they do not know each other, are meeting for the first time. Both of them carry their respective ‘lists of criteria’. Both of them have that curiosity to know each other, that hurry to check if the other person fits the bill, and that effort to look cool and comfortable even if they are not. The conversation starts after the exchange of greetings. And things should click right at this moment. Its difficult to define ‘click’. But we can define it as a moment of realization when we can confidently say, “that’s what I am looking for”. Then there has to be some things in common between two people. Now there is no optimal value defined for it. But both of them should have some common interests, common likes-dislikes. In the first meeting one can look for these two C’s.

Based on this one can decide for subsequent meetings, because though not impossible but it is difficult to know a person in a single meeting. I really see those people in high regards who claim that they judge a person in few minutes. In subsequent meetings, the boy and girl should look for the comfort level. How openly you can share thoughts with the other person decides the comfort level. The comfort level gives the sense of security. And it encourages you to open up a bit more. Ultimately, revealing your true selves to each other to some extent, starts building the trust. And then comes the ‘connect’. Knowing each other’s strong and weak points, sharing past experiences, comfortable exchange of thoughts makes u realize if there is any ‘connect’ between you. ‘I want to say something but not able to put it in words. Still he understands what I want to say. I get the intended meaning when he simply smiles on my question. He shares his office problem with me and I solve it as if its mine. I don’t mind if he wants to keep quite or stay alone for a while.’ Then there is connect between the two. You are ready to accept the other person with the things you like as well as dislike if you feel that connect with the other person.

There is no technical reason why one should look for these 4 C’s. But these might just help in taking that one time decision. After all it’s a question of spending life with someone. So any amount of thinking will not be adequate enough.

Not long ago I was thinking that AM is very complex thing and I would never understand it n all. But now, after putting in some thoughts I think I have changed my opinion. Previously if someone would have asked me a question: ‘what would you like to prefer? Love marriage or Arranged marriage?’ I would have said love marriage. But now I think AM is not that bad. Careful thinking is required in both of them. So I think I am indifferent between them now.

आजच...

My first blog entry written in Marathi...

कालपर्यंत सगळं ठीक होते मग आजच असे काय झालं?
विचारांच्या वारयांच असे वादळात रूपांतर का झालं?

कालपर्यंत एकटेपणाच्या जाणीवा प्रकर्षाने जाणवायच्या
जुन्या आठवणी काढता काढता डोळ्यांच्या कडा पाणवायच्या

मग मी ठरवलं फारसा विचार करायचा नाही
मनालाही बजावले की 'त्या' वाटेला जायचेच नाही

पण शेवटी मनच ते, माझे कुठे ऐकणार होतं
त्याला जे हवं तेच ते करणार होतं

अखेर व्हायचं तेच झालं...
माझ्या नकळत माझं मन आनंदी राहू लागलं
माझ्या संमतीशिवाय माझ्या सुखाची दिवास्वप्नं पाहू लागलं

तुम्ही म्हणाल मग यात बिघडले तरी कुठे?
सगळं तर ठीक चाललय मग घोडं अडलं तरी कुठे?

खरं सांगायचं तर खूष राहण्याची सवयच नाही राहिली
गेले काही दिवस या डोळ्यांनी दु:खच जवळून पाहिली

आज ध्येय, वाटा नविन, जिद्दसुद्धा नवी आहे
पुढे जाताना कुणाचीतरी सोबतही हवी आहे

सोबतीचं म्हणाल तर ती सुटण्याची शक्यताही मोठी आहे
प्रत्येक साथ जन्मभरासाठी असते ही समजूतच मूळी खोटी आहे

असं म्हणतात की दुधानं तोंड पोळले तर ताकही फुंकून फुंकून प्यावं
पण तरीही वाटतं की अंधारलेल्या या आयुष्यात त्यानं 'मित्र' बनून यावं

-शुभदा

Faces

A Month Ago:

I like him. Not so long did I realize this. After a lot of thinking I finally came to know that I like him. Do I love him? Not yet sure. But he has got all those qualities which make me say it aloud that “Yes…He is the one.” And does he know about this? No. Not yet. Let me be very very sure about my own feelings then only I’ll let him know. Boy this is so amazing!!! It’s like a dream.
It was just few days back when we met last. I could sense what he was trying to tell. I was listening to those unspoken words. The other day I saw his eyes searching for someone. I bet that ‘someone’ was me. How sweet! And the very next day he called…due to some work. But still…The point is: ‘he called’. These and many other actions of his have formed his picture perfect image in my mind. But then I have a friend who is not fond of him. She keeps on saying ill things about him. And I feel how wrong she is. Because I am damn sure the he can’t be wrong. I feel she just don’t want to change her opinion about him. I hope she will understand him one day. That day she will come to know why I like him so much.

Right Now:

Think rationally. What was going on in my mind when I was taking out those convenient meanings from his behavior? Why didn’t I take pain to see his other side? Or I never wanted to see it? Yes. It’s harsh but true. In last few days I saw him as an entirely different person. Not the one, who fits in my ‘picture perfect image’. Last time we met, he simply looked through me. Am I non existent for him? And I recollected some more instances when same thing happened. Now I am applying logic to whatever has happened in last whole year. And it makes sense. He always had this other side which I completely overlooked. There are different facets hidden in this side. Some might be good some might be bad. Point is I just couldn’t realize that there can be another face too.
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This happens. And there is nothing wrong in it. We are all rational human beings who have the ability to think wisely. But sometimes which chose to think in a manner which we want to. It can be as illogical as possible. And it’s not a crime as long it doesn’t hurt anyone mentally or physically. It shouldn’t hurt us too for that matter. We can commit a mistake in reading a person. I know it sounds cliché but there is a difference between knowing a person and understanding a person. To know a person, exposure to a single face is enough. But to understand a person you need to know every possible face of his/her. And that’s the most difficult thing. Human is the most complex creation of the God. And to read this complex creation is almost an impossible task. Still we can give a try. We may never get to see every face of a person. But we can surely see different faces of different people.

This concept of two faces applies to us also. Every person has some qualities which are known to him and some qualities which are known to others. There is this famous concept of Johari Window. Here we have a window with two axes viz. ‘Known to self’ and ‘known to others’ on which our behavior is plotted. This window is divided into 4 quadrants starting from top left and going anticlockwise: Arena, Hidden, Dark Area and Blind Spots.

Arena: known to self and known to others
Hidden: known to self and not known to others
Dark Area: not known to self and not known to others
Blind spot: not known to self but known to others

One should try to maximize arena by minimizing other three areas. If we can relate it with whatever has been written above, we can say that larger the Arena less will be the number of faces. Or should I say more subtle will be the other faces. You may say in the context given above how can this Johari window help us to understand a person we want to get along with? Obviously one can’t make other person fill questionnaires to understand that person. But by playing with such tools, we ourselves can understand different facets of human mind. And we can get some insight of working of human mind. Who knows? It may just help while forming judgments about other person.

Is It That Tough To Say No???

Sometimes I think what is more difficult? Saying ‘No’ or taking a ‘No’? I think both are equally difficult. It may depend upon the situation. But most of the times both the things are difficult to do. Let me take some real life examples so that I can elaborate on this point.

Let’s say, you have to form a team of 5 for a particular project assigned by our faculty/boss. And you have more than 5 friends/ colleagues to choose from. Then how to say ‘No’ to others after choosing 5? Will they ever understand why did you say no? I think they will if they have faced similar situation before.

You are in an auto at a traffic signal waiting for it to turn green. A beggar approaches you and asks for some money. You don’t feel like giving him money. And you start thinking how to say no.

Weekday afternoon…door bell rings…you open the door. A girl standing in front of you tells you that she is a student and she needs to sell this product by direct marketing. You feel like buying that product but not ready to spare Rs.200-300…how to say no?

A friend of friend of friend of friend sends you a friends request on orkut. You don’t know this person and you want to say no. But confused…whether to say or not to say no?

You go for shopping. You select few outfits. Shopkeeper shows you few more outfits. And insists that you should buy them. It would be a gr8 deal. It’s hard to say no.

Your friends have a superb plan for weekend. You want to join them. But you can’t, due to some reasons. They want you to come. And its damn difficult to say no.

These were some of the examples of external emotional dissonance. As far as internal emotional dissonance is concerned consider situations like saying no to a yummy chocolate cake remembering your weighing machine showing unpleasant numbers or refraining yourself from seeing a India Vs Pakistan cricket match/ Man U Vs Arsenal / Wimbledon Final because you have to get up early next day. I remember having read somewhere…saying no is key to success. Because by saying no, we gain control over our mind. And mind control is the best tool for excellent decision making.

Now consider situations where you have to take a ‘No’…

A day to day life situation…You ask auto driver, “ Station chaloge?” and you get a obvious answer …NO. How do you feel after listening that No? Miffed? Kind of…
You ask a bus conductor…”ye bus powai jayega?” He says No even though that bus goes via powai. You feel .

You go to your boss and ask him if you can leave early that day. And he says No. again difficult to digest.

You like someone. You gather all your courage and ask that ‘someone’ if you two have a future together. That ‘someone’ says No. You feel devastated.

Getting answer as No is painful because one never expects any negative thing to happen. Taking a No is as good as defeat for those who have high self esteem. Sometimes this resistance to No can be so strong that it may result in any adverse reaction as in case of one sided affairs.

Looking at all these aspects I feel, in order to live a peaceful life one should learn to say and accept a No. For me saying no has now become easier. I hope with time taking no will also become easier.

So what is more painful for you? To say ‘No’ or to take ‘No’?

Its over…

Its over…and I can do nothing. I don’t want it to end. Not like this. It started just few days back and now its over. This has never happened before. And I am clueless, puzzled, not ready to do anything new and God knows what… The only question in my mind…WHY?

Last few days were indeed some of the best days of my life. I didn’t expect them to be like that. (And whatever u get without expecting, gives u immense amount of joy. The same happened with me.) I remember the days just before it started. I had no time to think. The momentum was only increasing. All analytical engines of brains were working day and night. So much so that I forgot there is some emotional side of me also. Everything around me was logical. And then the momentum went off. I started enjoying the illogical things. My analytical engines were still working but in their own style (In no hurry). I was actually being pampered. Now that I’m looking back at those 7 days, I remember each and every moment. Moments which I would want to last for a long time…those musical notes…those cool breezes and hot sips of coffee…those nights full of dreams…those days when I was treated with my favorite food, books…those moments when my heart was overriding my brains…

And now that it has ended like this, all I can see is a fresh start. I have to move on. So what if I won’t be able to sleep peacefully anymore? So what if I won’t feel like eating on time? So what if my brains will overshadow my heart? I have to keep these emotions aside and start working…with a whole new perspective. What I am going to do, I still don’t know. But I’ll find it out very soon.

Yes…Its over… My 7 days long vacation is over. And I'm going back to my college :-)

Arranged Marriage- I

Arranged Marriage…One thing which I haven’t understood till date. I mean it’s not that difficult. Many people go for arranged marriage. But I find it bit difficult to understand. Now I know, even Love Marriages are not easy. And with that, I start my analysis of arranged marriages.

One common thing between LM and AM is you have choice. In most of the cases you have the freedom of accepting or rejecting the other person. We must have heard a guy saying I have met 20 other girls before getting married to XYZ. So you have ample of choice. Even in LM, we marry a person of our choice. But there is a difference between two choices. In LM, our would-be life partner is someone whom we know. Someone, whom we have already understood as a person… someone, who knows you inside out and has accepted you for what you are and at the same time not compromising on anything.

In AM, things are different. (I am considering a bit modern scenario…n not a typical one) A boy and a girl… Their parents start searching for a suitable Bride/Groom for them. A common family friend or a relative or sometimes a matrimony agency suggests a suitable boy/girl. Photos are exchanged. Sometimes their kundalis are matched. Or sometimes their blood groups are compared. (One wise thing…)Then they meet each other with the consent of their parents. A meeting for say half an hour or one hour. (Now I am tempted to write the whole scene with dialogues.) What happens in this one hour? They greet each other. Though already known, they ask each other about qualification, job etc. They discuss their hobbies, their career goals, sometimes their views about some social issue. They talk about their families to make each other comfortable. Point here is how much do they understand each other as a person? Certainly one hour is not enough to know a person. Especially when you are planning to spend your whole life with him/her. Then how do they decide? If they decide to meet each other for couple of more times, then is that much time sufficient? One factor which is involved in this decision making is FAMILY. Family values, social tie-ups play an important role. Our society hasn’t yet started believing in courtships in case of AM. Nowadays people do take time of 3-4 months before getting married to the selected person. This is the time when they are supposed to know each other. But again, does the boy/girl get the right of refusal? No is the answer. This is the time when people prepare themselves for compromises and adjustments. After having said ‘yes’ there is no looking back. Whereas in LM, people do get a chance of stepping back.

I may sound bit technical, but if we can draw a flow diagram then
For LM it is: Know --> Like --> Love --> Understand --> Marry.
For AM it is: Like --> Marry --> Know --> Understand --> Love

While writing this blog, I received a mail which gave an entirely new perspective about this whole marriage thing. So I need to rethink about my views. Thats why ending this entry here. Some questions are still unanswered. But I’ll write them down some other time. Till then…