आजच...

My first blog entry written in Marathi...

कालपर्यंत सगळं ठीक होते मग आजच असे काय झालं?
विचारांच्या वारयांच असे वादळात रूपांतर का झालं?

कालपर्यंत एकटेपणाच्या जाणीवा प्रकर्षाने जाणवायच्या
जुन्या आठवणी काढता काढता डोळ्यांच्या कडा पाणवायच्या

मग मी ठरवलं फारसा विचार करायचा नाही
मनालाही बजावले की 'त्या' वाटेला जायचेच नाही

पण शेवटी मनच ते, माझे कुठे ऐकणार होतं
त्याला जे हवं तेच ते करणार होतं

अखेर व्हायचं तेच झालं...
माझ्या नकळत माझं मन आनंदी राहू लागलं
माझ्या संमतीशिवाय माझ्या सुखाची दिवास्वप्नं पाहू लागलं

तुम्ही म्हणाल मग यात बिघडले तरी कुठे?
सगळं तर ठीक चाललय मग घोडं अडलं तरी कुठे?

खरं सांगायचं तर खूष राहण्याची सवयच नाही राहिली
गेले काही दिवस या डोळ्यांनी दु:खच जवळून पाहिली

आज ध्येय, वाटा नविन, जिद्दसुद्धा नवी आहे
पुढे जाताना कुणाचीतरी सोबतही हवी आहे

सोबतीचं म्हणाल तर ती सुटण्याची शक्यताही मोठी आहे
प्रत्येक साथ जन्मभरासाठी असते ही समजूतच मूळी खोटी आहे

असं म्हणतात की दुधानं तोंड पोळले तर ताकही फुंकून फुंकून प्यावं
पण तरीही वाटतं की अंधारलेल्या या आयुष्यात त्यानं 'मित्र' बनून यावं

-शुभदा

Faces

A Month Ago:

I like him. Not so long did I realize this. After a lot of thinking I finally came to know that I like him. Do I love him? Not yet sure. But he has got all those qualities which make me say it aloud that “Yes…He is the one.” And does he know about this? No. Not yet. Let me be very very sure about my own feelings then only I’ll let him know. Boy this is so amazing!!! It’s like a dream.
It was just few days back when we met last. I could sense what he was trying to tell. I was listening to those unspoken words. The other day I saw his eyes searching for someone. I bet that ‘someone’ was me. How sweet! And the very next day he called…due to some work. But still…The point is: ‘he called’. These and many other actions of his have formed his picture perfect image in my mind. But then I have a friend who is not fond of him. She keeps on saying ill things about him. And I feel how wrong she is. Because I am damn sure the he can’t be wrong. I feel she just don’t want to change her opinion about him. I hope she will understand him one day. That day she will come to know why I like him so much.

Right Now:

Think rationally. What was going on in my mind when I was taking out those convenient meanings from his behavior? Why didn’t I take pain to see his other side? Or I never wanted to see it? Yes. It’s harsh but true. In last few days I saw him as an entirely different person. Not the one, who fits in my ‘picture perfect image’. Last time we met, he simply looked through me. Am I non existent for him? And I recollected some more instances when same thing happened. Now I am applying logic to whatever has happened in last whole year. And it makes sense. He always had this other side which I completely overlooked. There are different facets hidden in this side. Some might be good some might be bad. Point is I just couldn’t realize that there can be another face too.
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This happens. And there is nothing wrong in it. We are all rational human beings who have the ability to think wisely. But sometimes which chose to think in a manner which we want to. It can be as illogical as possible. And it’s not a crime as long it doesn’t hurt anyone mentally or physically. It shouldn’t hurt us too for that matter. We can commit a mistake in reading a person. I know it sounds cliché but there is a difference between knowing a person and understanding a person. To know a person, exposure to a single face is enough. But to understand a person you need to know every possible face of his/her. And that’s the most difficult thing. Human is the most complex creation of the God. And to read this complex creation is almost an impossible task. Still we can give a try. We may never get to see every face of a person. But we can surely see different faces of different people.

This concept of two faces applies to us also. Every person has some qualities which are known to him and some qualities which are known to others. There is this famous concept of Johari Window. Here we have a window with two axes viz. ‘Known to self’ and ‘known to others’ on which our behavior is plotted. This window is divided into 4 quadrants starting from top left and going anticlockwise: Arena, Hidden, Dark Area and Blind Spots.

Arena: known to self and known to others
Hidden: known to self and not known to others
Dark Area: not known to self and not known to others
Blind spot: not known to self but known to others

One should try to maximize arena by minimizing other three areas. If we can relate it with whatever has been written above, we can say that larger the Arena less will be the number of faces. Or should I say more subtle will be the other faces. You may say in the context given above how can this Johari window help us to understand a person we want to get along with? Obviously one can’t make other person fill questionnaires to understand that person. But by playing with such tools, we ourselves can understand different facets of human mind. And we can get some insight of working of human mind. Who knows? It may just help while forming judgments about other person.

Is It That Tough To Say No???

Sometimes I think what is more difficult? Saying ‘No’ or taking a ‘No’? I think both are equally difficult. It may depend upon the situation. But most of the times both the things are difficult to do. Let me take some real life examples so that I can elaborate on this point.

Let’s say, you have to form a team of 5 for a particular project assigned by our faculty/boss. And you have more than 5 friends/ colleagues to choose from. Then how to say ‘No’ to others after choosing 5? Will they ever understand why did you say no? I think they will if they have faced similar situation before.

You are in an auto at a traffic signal waiting for it to turn green. A beggar approaches you and asks for some money. You don’t feel like giving him money. And you start thinking how to say no.

Weekday afternoon…door bell rings…you open the door. A girl standing in front of you tells you that she is a student and she needs to sell this product by direct marketing. You feel like buying that product but not ready to spare Rs.200-300…how to say no?

A friend of friend of friend of friend sends you a friends request on orkut. You don’t know this person and you want to say no. But confused…whether to say or not to say no?

You go for shopping. You select few outfits. Shopkeeper shows you few more outfits. And insists that you should buy them. It would be a gr8 deal. It’s hard to say no.

Your friends have a superb plan for weekend. You want to join them. But you can’t, due to some reasons. They want you to come. And its damn difficult to say no.

These were some of the examples of external emotional dissonance. As far as internal emotional dissonance is concerned consider situations like saying no to a yummy chocolate cake remembering your weighing machine showing unpleasant numbers or refraining yourself from seeing a India Vs Pakistan cricket match/ Man U Vs Arsenal / Wimbledon Final because you have to get up early next day. I remember having read somewhere…saying no is key to success. Because by saying no, we gain control over our mind. And mind control is the best tool for excellent decision making.

Now consider situations where you have to take a ‘No’…

A day to day life situation…You ask auto driver, “ Station chaloge?” and you get a obvious answer …NO. How do you feel after listening that No? Miffed? Kind of…
You ask a bus conductor…”ye bus powai jayega?” He says No even though that bus goes via powai. You feel .

You go to your boss and ask him if you can leave early that day. And he says No. again difficult to digest.

You like someone. You gather all your courage and ask that ‘someone’ if you two have a future together. That ‘someone’ says No. You feel devastated.

Getting answer as No is painful because one never expects any negative thing to happen. Taking a No is as good as defeat for those who have high self esteem. Sometimes this resistance to No can be so strong that it may result in any adverse reaction as in case of one sided affairs.

Looking at all these aspects I feel, in order to live a peaceful life one should learn to say and accept a No. For me saying no has now become easier. I hope with time taking no will also become easier.

So what is more painful for you? To say ‘No’ or to take ‘No’?

Its over…

Its over…and I can do nothing. I don’t want it to end. Not like this. It started just few days back and now its over. This has never happened before. And I am clueless, puzzled, not ready to do anything new and God knows what… The only question in my mind…WHY?

Last few days were indeed some of the best days of my life. I didn’t expect them to be like that. (And whatever u get without expecting, gives u immense amount of joy. The same happened with me.) I remember the days just before it started. I had no time to think. The momentum was only increasing. All analytical engines of brains were working day and night. So much so that I forgot there is some emotional side of me also. Everything around me was logical. And then the momentum went off. I started enjoying the illogical things. My analytical engines were still working but in their own style (In no hurry). I was actually being pampered. Now that I’m looking back at those 7 days, I remember each and every moment. Moments which I would want to last for a long time…those musical notes…those cool breezes and hot sips of coffee…those nights full of dreams…those days when I was treated with my favorite food, books…those moments when my heart was overriding my brains…

And now that it has ended like this, all I can see is a fresh start. I have to move on. So what if I won’t be able to sleep peacefully anymore? So what if I won’t feel like eating on time? So what if my brains will overshadow my heart? I have to keep these emotions aside and start working…with a whole new perspective. What I am going to do, I still don’t know. But I’ll find it out very soon.

Yes…Its over… My 7 days long vacation is over. And I'm going back to my college :-)

Arranged Marriage- I

Arranged Marriage…One thing which I haven’t understood till date. I mean it’s not that difficult. Many people go for arranged marriage. But I find it bit difficult to understand. Now I know, even Love Marriages are not easy. And with that, I start my analysis of arranged marriages.

One common thing between LM and AM is you have choice. In most of the cases you have the freedom of accepting or rejecting the other person. We must have heard a guy saying I have met 20 other girls before getting married to XYZ. So you have ample of choice. Even in LM, we marry a person of our choice. But there is a difference between two choices. In LM, our would-be life partner is someone whom we know. Someone, whom we have already understood as a person… someone, who knows you inside out and has accepted you for what you are and at the same time not compromising on anything.

In AM, things are different. (I am considering a bit modern scenario…n not a typical one) A boy and a girl… Their parents start searching for a suitable Bride/Groom for them. A common family friend or a relative or sometimes a matrimony agency suggests a suitable boy/girl. Photos are exchanged. Sometimes their kundalis are matched. Or sometimes their blood groups are compared. (One wise thing…)Then they meet each other with the consent of their parents. A meeting for say half an hour or one hour. (Now I am tempted to write the whole scene with dialogues.) What happens in this one hour? They greet each other. Though already known, they ask each other about qualification, job etc. They discuss their hobbies, their career goals, sometimes their views about some social issue. They talk about their families to make each other comfortable. Point here is how much do they understand each other as a person? Certainly one hour is not enough to know a person. Especially when you are planning to spend your whole life with him/her. Then how do they decide? If they decide to meet each other for couple of more times, then is that much time sufficient? One factor which is involved in this decision making is FAMILY. Family values, social tie-ups play an important role. Our society hasn’t yet started believing in courtships in case of AM. Nowadays people do take time of 3-4 months before getting married to the selected person. This is the time when they are supposed to know each other. But again, does the boy/girl get the right of refusal? No is the answer. This is the time when people prepare themselves for compromises and adjustments. After having said ‘yes’ there is no looking back. Whereas in LM, people do get a chance of stepping back.

I may sound bit technical, but if we can draw a flow diagram then
For LM it is: Know --> Like --> Love --> Understand --> Marry.
For AM it is: Like --> Marry --> Know --> Understand --> Love

While writing this blog, I received a mail which gave an entirely new perspective about this whole marriage thing. So I need to rethink about my views. Thats why ending this entry here. Some questions are still unanswered. But I’ll write them down some other time. Till then…

Dips & Me...

Its 8.15 am already. I’m waiting for a friend of mine at thane station. We were supposed to catch 8.10 am train to attend a lecture at 9.00 am in our college. I’m calling her up. “Pick up the phone yaar… (She picks up the phone)(In my cold voice)Hello...Kuthe aahes?”(My anger is pretty visible or audible in my voice) “Shubbu…mi pohchtey...2 minutes” I hang up the call and start looking in my watch. After 5-7 minutes, when I’m about to give up n going to catch a train, there she comes. With 10cm wide smile. I’m not returning a smile. I have been waiting for last 15 minutes. So I’m not supposed to return a smile. She keeps quite. “Sorry”, she whispers. No response from me. We board a train. In 25 mins journey she keeps mum. 1-2 failed attempts from her side for striking a conversation. When we get off the train, I ask her whether she has completed the assignment. And she grabs this opportunity by both the hands & starts talking. On our way to college, I say,”you were 15 mins late” And she says “dear it’s just 15 minutes.”

That’s Dipti. A friend of mine. In above paragraph, I’m not highlighting her time management skills (?) but the way she faces my wrath. I have never come across any other person in my life, who is so different from me. We never think on same line. A thing which looks right to her always looks wrong to me. We always start pursuing a problem from opposite ends. And the result is pretty much expected. BANG. We collide. We differ. We fight. And we make up. She is a friend with whom I have fought most of the times. But still, we are friends. Because we have accepted each other for what we are in real. We are exactly opposite personalities. I keep on complaining when I don’t agree with her. But none of us leave our own stands. Still we end up finding solution some way or other.

She truly represents the enthusiasm. You ask all my friends to describe her in one word. Most of them will say: “Bubbly”. It’s not her pet name. But still it captures her enthusiasm about everything perfectly. May it be dancing, May it be laughing out loudly in public she never cares about people around. She has this small world around her, made up of her family, her relatives and her friends. And she keeps enjoying herself in this small world.

Remembering the moments I have spent with her…our 1st meeting, our train rides, dips eating dabba with reku in the middle of the lecture, dips calling someone’s name loudly & me, searching for a place to hide my face from people looking back, our all night long study in PL with me waking her up after every 20-25 minutes, dips applying face powder to already ‘white’ face, me scolding her while crossing road for not paying attention to car coming towards her, dips crying out her heart in front of me on her real bad day, dips avoiding my glare in the middle of the lecture for not stopping giggling, me telling her, “Grow up dips.” & she continuing to act childlike. …there are many more moments…but it’s difficult to put them in words.

Sometimes I feel she has changed. Or I can say circumstances around her have changed. I get to hear less laughter from her these days. I don’t have to scold her anymore to tell her to keep quite. Life has its own games. She is currently busy in playing those games with life. She has to play with patience & maturity. Previously maturity n dips never used to go hand in hand. We all friends used to be there with her to tell her what’s good n what’s bad. But now things are different. We are not around her all the time. So she is acting like a grown up these days. Somehow it’s good for her. But I don’t want to lose the old Dipti. Our relation is more or less similar to mother-daughter relationship. I keep on complaining that she is making mistakes. But next moment I find myself worrying about her. I want her to grow up to achieve great heights of success in life. But she’ll remain a baby girl for me forever. So on her birthday, I wish her a lifetime of happiness. May she retain her charm, her innocence and her 10 cm wide smile for years to come.

Happy Birthday Dips!!!

Gifts

Its my childhood friend’s birthday. We know each other for past 13 years. We have met each other almost on every birthday. But still when it comes to birthday gift, I am always confused. I take a long time to decide what to gift. Not only in her case but in everybody’s case. Should I buy this one or that one? What did I gift last time? Is this useful? I can’t find a thing which is useful in day-to-day life. Should I go for a show-piece? Or should I buy a cake? Phew… the list of questions in my mind is endless.

Gift is not just a thing. And gifting is not just a formality or ritual. A lot of emotions are linked with it. Only thing which you expect after handing over the gift to your dear one is smile. So when you wrap a gift, you actually wrap your love, care, affection, blessings, and regards with it. That’s why gift has to be well-chosen. It can be as expensive as diamond ring or it can be simple lines straight from your heart. Gifts never have any price tag. They are priceless. In fact emotions attached with them are priceless.

While writing all this, I’m recollecting gifts which I got on my birthdays, special occasions…gifts I gave to my near & dear ones…gifts which other people gave to each other. A swinger, my mom gifted to me on passing 1st std exam with highest marks in school, a hundred rupee note which my grandpa gave me on passing SSC exam, a handmade book-greeting with cartoons of my friends in it, a Marathi card by my non-Marathi friend, a pen by a friend to give grades not less than A- to my students, a ganapati idol by my senior colleague when she got transferred to other team…

These all were simple things. But these things have a lot of value. Sometimes only the expressions n emotions of my family n friends served as a gift for me. The overwhelming joy on my parent’s faces when they came to know about my admission to MBA, presence of my friends on my birthday just to make me feel that I’m not alone, faith they have shown in me in my tough time, blessings of my teachers, good wishes of my colleagues, smile on my bro’s face on liking a shirt gifted by me to him, tears in my best friend’s eyes on reading my letter to her on her birthday … all these things can not be quantified.

All I can say is that, gifts or these expressions are just the ways to assure your dear ones that you are there for them. Gifts form memories. Sweet memories…which can be cherished for life time.

We often say we are gifted with wonderful people in our lives. I wonder how difficult it must have been for god to choose these gifts for us.